hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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