Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
