I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Help me help you realize you are a moron
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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