he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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