I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
