Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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