I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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