im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize