I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
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