My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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