pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
