i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
