I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
