What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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