just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Randomize
