Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
