I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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