I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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