im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
