Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
