We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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