I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
