words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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