Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
But break dance skills will only take you so far
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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