Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Randomize
