I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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