I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Randomize
