The police scanner is talking about you again....
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
