I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
