This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
