thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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