i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize