no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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