he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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