Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
