He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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