Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I'm always down for nudity.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
