Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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