i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
