my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
