he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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