it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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