How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
