Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
