It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
