Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Randomize
