dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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