I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
