i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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