This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
