You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
