Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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