remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
