U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
