i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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