so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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